Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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