Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
