I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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