well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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