Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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