i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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