please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
