Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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