I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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