The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
