I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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