i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
