What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize