I cannot find my penis.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
