what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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