I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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