I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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