My Higher Power is John Stamos
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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