Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
