i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I can't turn off my feet"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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