i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
