Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
