im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
