wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
