Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize