I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
