woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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