I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
