my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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