In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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