Pregnant stripper...not hot.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize