I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
