Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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