I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
