i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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