I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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