Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
