I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
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