i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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