Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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