Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
