So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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