i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
