i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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