I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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