My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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