It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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