Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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