so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
