I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
