in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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