Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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