my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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