so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
