I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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