girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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