i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
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