i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
