I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
3pm strippers are depressing
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
