Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
