I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
