I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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