I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
