So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Randomize
