If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
