hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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