He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
