either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
