After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Sext me about skeletons
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
