she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I feel like a drive thru vagina
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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