I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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